Don't Even Think About it Mother Nature

Look at that!  Wednesday's weather forecast: Blizzard.  Blizzard!  The day before I am set to go on vacation!  Well you can blizzard all you want on Wednesday but please for the love of all that is good and cupcakes, please let my 9am flight on Thursday take off without a hitch.  I need to go to Mexico.  I know how you are out to get me and my well intentioned acts of love, but I'm begging you to let me get to Mexico.  I have never been.  And I got a bikini wax for this trip!

Because “Make-Overs” Involve a Lot of Pain with a Side of Embarrassment

If you are one of my brothers (or any other male relative for that matter) stop reading this right now. Seriously. You will thank me later. Or, I guess, you won't know how thankful you should be because you won't actually read what I am about to write. But, trust me.

Additionally, if hearing about lady parts or any of that sort of thing grosses you out, now is the time to stop reading this post, because I am going to discuss getting a bikini wax. Consider yourself warned.

Ok, if you are still reading, welcome to the post where I get a little more personal than you are probably comfortable with! Hey, remember how I am going to Mexico in like three days?! Yeah, I'm pretty excited about that. But the part I'm not super excited about is the part where my pale winter body has to hang out in a bikini for 5 days. With my boyfriend's whole family. Oh, and here is a little insider information on Brian's family: they are all a bunch of freak, beautiful, athletes. And I'm not exaggerating. His sister has gold medals. Two of them. From the Olympics. The whole bunch are all insanely attractive and I don't imagine they eat nearly as many cupcakes as I do. They were pretty much born ready to hang out at the beach all day looking glamorous. I was not.

I know, boo hoo for me. Having to spend 5 days and 5 nights at a private villa in Cabo. But seriously there is a lot of preparation that must go into getting your winter-hibernation body ready for a beach vacation with a family of super people. There is the not eating a ton of cupcakes, the going to the gym on a somewhat regular schedule, the manicure and pedicure, the hair cut. And then there is the bikini wax. If you are not in the habit of getting those, just FYI: they suck. A lot.

For whatever reason, I get nervous every time. I mean I've been there before, I know what to expect. But I think my brain forgets the degree of pain associated with a bikini wax -- it's like a vanity survival tactic, because if you remember how much it hurts you won't go back -- and then right before the appointment I go into slight panic mode and I'm all what have I gotten myself into?

And so the other day I find myself half naked while Alita, who is new and not my normal girl, preps for the waxing and I casually say something about being nervous. And Alita asks if I am a nervous person by nature. And I'm slightly offended because it's not like I'm unmanageably nervous and need to be consoled, and no, I'm not a nervous person by nature, but lady you are about to slather hot wax on a very sensitive part of my body and then use it to PULL OUT ALL OF MY HAIR! I mean, I think that's a legit cause for nervousness.

And because I am nervous I start sweating a little bit and talking a lot. Which is just a really unfun combination; hi I am sweating through my very pretty silk shirt and chatting uncontrollably. With no pants on. It's almost like I am trying to pretend that I'm not half naked under bright lights.  Yes, let's talk about the possible impending winter storm and where you grew up to distract me from the real issue which is how this is actually pretty unpleasant. And oh yeah, how I have no pants on.

Next up on the Krysta Butler Mini Makeover Tour is getting a manicure and shaving my legs!  Oh man, if this post wasn't already the most unsexy thing I have ever written it is about to be.  Because my boyfriend lives 600 miles away and I am totally lazy, I have very little reason to regularly shave my legs.  I mean if you aren't factoring personal pride in there.  And I'm not talking like a week of slight stubble here.  Oh no.  I have teenage boy legs right now.  That's how long it has been since I have had cause to shave them.  One might think that getting a pedicure this weekend would be cause, you know, seeing as how a poor stranger has to actually touch/massage my legs during the pedicure process.  But no.  I went in with my teenage boy legs and apologized like 500 times which probably just made the poor woman even more uncomfortable.  But, I don't know, I just really want to wait until the last possible minute so that my legs are ultra super smooth.  It's like way more gratifying that way.

God, I am sorry for all of that.  And if anyone out there had even a teeny, tiny, remote crush on me, I am sure that is now over.

2.5.07

Today is my puppy's birthday!  Only she is turning 3 so I think that means she is technically and officially a dog now.  But I like saying pup much more so a pup she stays.

Oh just look at her on the drive home when Jim and I went to pick her up.  She was so little then. 

Just a little nougout of a pup.

Look at her in the sink.  So little and cute!

And slightly terrified as this is her first bath.

There was a time when she was buddies with her stuffed animals and didn't try to destroy them.

She has moved something like 5 times with us. 

This Detroit to New York in a giant truck move was her least favorite. 

Look at that mean mug she's giving me.

She's pretended not to love me as a brunette.

And also as a blonde.

Hey where are my kisses pup?!

She's a goofy little charmer. 

People just love her.

And she loves people!

Especially Asian people for some reason.

She tries to look tough.  But she's a little lover.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little pup!

Oh Man, the World is Full of Strange, Strange People

For someone who is 26 and living in what is arguably the best city in the world and who has no real responsibility outside of "pay a few bills on time" and "feed your pup," I do not get out nearly enough. It's almost embarrassing when my friends back home ask what I've been up to and my reply is something like: (long pause of silence) hmmm, (more silence), well I went to brunch recently. The eggs benedict were yummy. Seriously, I'm doing twenty something’s a disservice. I should be out at the club, dancing on tables, gathering "life experience."  Or something.

And where was I going with this? Oh yes, well this weekend I went out for what felt like the first time in a long time. And I'm not sure if it was the alignment of the stars or if something was in the air, but good god it was a strange, strange night full of strange, strange people. Here is a little tidbit of my night which I hope you enjoy as much as I do:

Scene: two young women, friends, are chatting in a crowded bar. Sipping their drinks, catching up. An older man, maybe 50, approaches.  He is very serious.  And weird.

Man: Is this the best night of your life?

Krysta: This? Best? Well, no.

Man: Top 5?

Krysta: Um, still no.

Man: What is your name?

Krysta: It's Krysta.

Man: I am Keith.
Man: You are chewing gum.

Krysta: Uh, well, yes. I am.

Man: I will give you $9 for that chewed piece of gum in your mouth.

Whatever Works to Get You Through the Yucky Months

I don't know about you, but I am totally done with winter. Seriously. First there's the snow. I hate the snow. Unless it is Christmas Eve or Christmas morning and I don't have to travel anywhere or step outside; then it is ok because it is pretty and makes me feel like I live in a Norman Rockwell painting, that is assuming I'm drinking hot cocoa by a roaring fire while looking wistfully out my window at the gently falling snow. Otherwise, the snow sucks.

And then there is the cold. A certain degree of cold is ok and tolerable, but today, today, my god, it is really fucking cold out. The kind of cold where your nose is already cold when you wake up and you don't want to get out of bed let alone leave your apartment and walk in the windy frigid air where little icicles form around the edges of your nostrils.

It's just that the winter is usually a lot of dreary and gloomy and kinda depressing. So this morning I woke up feeling a little sad. It was a struggle to get myself ready and out the door. But when I got to work I remembered this list I came across on Crazy Sexy Life. It's tips for a better life and is written by Rory Freedman. I just love it. It makes me smile. It makes me feel better. And so I wanted to share it with you.


Tips for a Better Life by Rory Freedman
via Crazy Sexy Life

1. Don’t say “yes” when you mean “no.” It’ll make you resentful. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

2. When driving, if someone wants to get in front of you, let him in front of you. And do it with a smile. It’ll make his day better, and it’ll make you feel good. You just changed the world.

3. Try to make a gratitude list each day. Include big things and little things. Invite your friends to make their own lists; you can all email one another each day, sharing your gratitude.

4. Don’t be a problem solver when a friend just wants you to be a listener.

5. Call your parents or grandparents. Sometimes, a five-minute phone call is all they need to feel loved.

6. Be a good neighbor: Be considerate inside and outside your home/apartment so your noise doesn’t bother those around you. That includes opening and closing your front door quietly.

7. Pee in the shower. If we each did this once a day, it would save an enormous amount of water and toilet paper (trees).

8. Write a “fan letter.” Tell someone you know, or someone you’ve never met, why you admire him or her. You’ll make someone’s day.

9. Curb your jealousy. Be happy for others.

10. Be willing to be wrong. If someone has a grievance with you, really try to see her point of view. If called for, apologize. It’s hard to do, but it feels really good and makes life so much easier.

11. If you are in a room with someone you don’t know, introduce yourself right away. It takes away the social discomfort immediately.

12. Pick a cause close to your heart, and get involved. You don’t have to quit your job and dive in headfirst. Just get involved on some level and do what you can when you can. Go slightly beyond your comfort zone but don’t overextend yourself.

13. Be a good friend to your friends. Tell them what’s good about them, that you appreciate them, and make the effort to spend time with them.

14. Go vegetarian. Animals raised and slaughtered for food suffer immeasurably. Visit GoVeg.com for a free vegetarian starter kit.

15. Do your best to think good thoughts. They affect your health, happiness, and the people around you.

16. Do something frivolous for someone you love. (It doesn’t have to be extravagant.) It feels so good to do nice things for other people, it’s almost selfish!

17. Practice accepting compliments. The person complimenting you is giving you a gift. Receive it graciously, even if it is difficult.

18. Be generous with your compliments. Don’t blow smoke up anyone’s ass. Just say nice things when they occur to you.

19. Forgive those who have wronged you. Holding onto anger and resentment poisons your body and your life. There are no benefits in staying mad. Let go. It’s okay.

20. Forgive yourself. It’s okay to be imperfect and to have made mistakes. Try to do better, that’s all. 

And Then This Happened. Which is Like the Grossest Thing Ever

I have bad luck in airport bathrooms. This is kind of bad news when you travel at least once a month. I once dropped my iPhone in the toilet in the Port Columbus International Airport. And even though I tried to convince the hipster Asian guy at Apple that it was totally accidental water damage, perhaps beer (PBR- I was trying to garner relatability points) damage from a fictional party I attended the night before, it was toilet water that destroyed my first iPhone. And the hipster Asian guy totally knew that I ws lying about the party and possible beer damage because he didn't give me a replacement phone.

Cut to this past weekend. On Thursday I discovered that the New York Stock Exchange celebrates MLK day (hurrah!) which meant I had a free day (double hurrah)! And much to my delight and surprise, last minute flights to Ohio were much cheaper than the normal well planned flights. And so Friday night after work I found myself at LaGuardia waiting to board a plane for an impromptu long weekend with the beau. Hurrah for impromptu weekends of looooove! Ew that was a weird thing to say.

Anyway, so it's the last call to board the plane and I get up and grab my shockingly compact carry on bag and go to get my boarding pass, which is when I discover that my boarding pass, aka the one piece of paper that I legitimately need to get on a plane, is missing! Gone! Vanished! I immediately knew where I had gone wrong; I had folded my boarding pass after going through security and tucked it into my back pocket aka the best place to put something you want to unknowingly drop and lose!

So, I back tracked it to the one place I had been other than the gate: the bathroom. And wouldn't you know, that's where I lost my boarding pass. But! I had found it! All was right in the world! I spied my boarding pass -- looking lost and confused -- right there on the floor in the stall I had used. And so I stood outside the stall, probably looking like a total creep, waiting for the lady to come out. And holy moly, did that lady take a very long time in there.

There must have been magic in the air. But not the good kind of magic where you wake up feeling refreshed and well rested and it’s Monday morning but you don't have to go to work and instead get to go to a really yummy brunch with your friends and your hair looks amazing. No, it was the dark and evil magic that makes boarding passes disappear right before your very eyes just moments before your plane is set to take off. Yes, there was dark, dark magic in the air because that boarding pass was missing! Gone! Vanished!

And then, as if it weren't already totally creepy that I was waiting outside this woman's stall for her to come out, I had to then ask her if she saw anything on the ground while she was peeing. I would have been dying of internal embarrassment if not for the stress involved in trying to figure out exactly how one can board a plane with an elusive, ever disappearing, boarding pass.

Apparently she did not think I was too creepy because instead of giving me a weird look and scurrying off to places free of harassment, she was all oh yeah, I saw it. I threw it in the trash bin. Which for those reading who are not women or who do not use women’s bathrooms or are just not getting my drift. The trash bin she was talking about was the trash bin where women are to place "that time of the month trash." Oh god. Barf in my mouth. I'm now dead.

So I had to cry a little inside and then go into the stall and into that trash bin and pull out my boarding pass. Which I know sounds like the grossest thing. Um, ever. But I assure you that this particular trash bin was completely empty. Or at least that's how I imagined it. I'm not entirely sure. My eyes were closed and I was dying inside over and over again while cursing my airport bathroom luck.

Why is it that people seem exponentially douchier when talking on a bluetooth?

P.S.  I wrote this on my iPhone while waiting for my plane to depart.  Neeeeerdy!

A Conversation With My Ex-Boyfriend About My Current Boyfriend... Not Nearly as Bad as it Sounds

Jim and I remain friends. I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with 1. the fact that we share custody of a pup and 2. the fact that we bicker like siblings or old people. Bickering really helps in friendships, I swear. So the other day when he casually mentioned that he video-chatted with his friend Adam I took every opportunity to make fun of him for being a cyber nerd. The following chat ensued:

Jim: Like you don't webcam Brian [ed: Brian is my beau, for those not paying attention]

Jim: Even if you say no I won't believe you

Krysta: We absoletuely do not webcam

Krysta: We don't even chat

Krysta: We don't even email

Krysta: I just see him like once a month

Krysta: I think thats why it works

Jim: I don't believe you

Krysta: I'm 100% serious

Jim: If not, I'm going to back channel and somehow put it in his head that it would be sweet if he bought a web cam for Valentines Day and you can start webcaming all the time

Krysta: He has one, I have one we just dont utilize; We aren't as nerdy as you

Krysta: We are lucky if we get in 30 min of phone time a day

Krysta: That's why he still likes me

Krysta: He hasnt seen me or spoken to me enough to realize what a crazy I am [ed note: long distance relationship = awesome strategy for annoying people like me]

Jim: I feel for him

Jim: So young and innocent

Jim: He has no idea

Krysta: Exactly

Krysta: He's in for a rude wake up call when he has to see me for 5 straight days in Feb [ed note: we are going to Cabo for his sister's wedding where he will be stuck with me for five straight days in another country... muahaha]

Krysta: Thankfully we'll be drunk most of that time

Krysta: I'm more tolerable when you are drunk

Jim: The other person you mean right?

Krysta: Yes

Krysta: I'm toally annoying if I'm drunk

Krysta: You have to be drunk to appreciate me.  Or even like me.

Haiti

It is estimated that 3 million people will be affected by the earthquake.

What you can do:

-  Find a reputable organization and donate.  The Clinton Foundation has set up a Haiti Earthquake Relief fund.  You can donate directly through the foundation or find other reputable organizations here as well.

-  Text "Haiti" to 90999 to give $10 to the Red Cross.  This is so unbelievably simple.

-  Click on over to Confessions of a Pioneer Woman.  She's giving away donations.

-  Offer Assistance.  Find more information on the State Department's website.

2010

I think New Year's Resolutions are complete bullshit. There I said it. This is probably incongruent with your picture of me if you know me or have been clicking over here at all recently. You might recall that I am the girl who is obsessive when it comes to organization and making lists and color coding things and all of that good nerd stuff.

In fact, while we are on the subject of my compulsions, I put off getting a 2010 Moleskine weekly notebook, mostly because I was busy taking the GMAT and applying to grad school and trying to get home in one piece. And then on January 2nd when I went looking for a new one they were sold out EVERYWHERE. Or at least at the 7 different stores I searched at. So then I had to order one online and wait for it to come in the mail. And then I was planner-less and writing important color coded things on, gasp, scrap paper! I was totally lost. My excuse for not going to the gym for a week was that I didn't have anywhere to write down "go to gym" and then highlight it in blue.

So anyway, yeah, I don't really do resolutions. I don’t like them. I'm a big fan of to-do-lists and goals, and maybe now I'm just playing around with semantics, but there is something inherently depressing about resolutions. Like, come on, so on January 5th when you don't go to the gym or you eat a piece of chocolate cake you feel like you just totally sabotaged yourself. You are so not going to be healthier in 2010 now! Which is just ridiculous. And guilt inducing. Which is lame. There are so many better things to feel guilty about, like your obsession with Jersey Shore.

I'm inclined to believe that every day presents a new opportunity for you to be, or work towards being, the person you'd like to be. Everyday you can wake up and try harder or do better. And while January 1st is a tidy start date, it is also a whole lotta pressure. So instead of making a resolution I like to work towards manageable goals, and one of them is: Krysta, it is time to grow up, and get your financial shit together! Oh man, I don't think it's going to be a very fun year.